We all know by now that the only thing that counts as “real sex” is penis-in-vagina intercourse. That’s just common knowledge, thanks to Bush-funded abstinence-only “education” (and, according to the gifted comedian Rush Limbaugh, Bill Clinton and other pervert Democrats.) But information on how to remain abstinent while also having lots of hot, orgasmic sex has been harder to come by. (so to speak).

No longer!

The Abstinence Only website offers a “Celebration of Non-Penetration”, and lots of good solid “how to’s”, an “Ask Dr. Frist” advice column, and a section for “your stories”.

From the site:

Here’s some fun things that faith partners can do besides have sex.
 1) Go out to a movie or watch TV! Make some popcorn and have a popcorn party!
 2) Engage in wholesome sports activities or play board games like checkers, chess or Monopoly!
 3) Rigorously rub your face, body and genitalia against those of your faith partner until orgasm. (Also known as ‘faith-fucking’)

There’s more great advice where that came from, and the best part of it all is that the folks behind the site own abstinceonly.com, abstinenceonly.org, and abstinenceonly.edu, which means that before long, they will come up tops in search results for “abstinence only”. Genius.